Rant – Parents & Children

Children are the future?

Not mine.

Children; those little darlings, so precious in their spreading of joy and germs and noise; always eager to be in the way – an army of iPad-wielding socially stunted morons. There’s little escaping it, whether trying to relax on a beach on holiday or enjoy a nice meal out, they’re just everywhere; screaming tantrums or screaming laughter, it’s all equally annoying.

That’s only half of it though isn’t it?

Parents; those self-entitled, sanctimonious shower of selfish assholes, thinking the world owes them and their offspring every concession they can dig their vomit encrusted nails into. God forbid you have the misfortune of having a job in hospitality, where the true depth of parental petulance rears its ugly head daily; from the disgusting messes parents think it acceptable to leave behind, to the assumption that bar and restaurant staff are somehow also babysitters, there to keep an eye on little Timothy and Chanel as they dart around a busy floor blindly. In my days in the industry, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever not done; every single day, stopping myself from ‘accidentally’ tripping them up, or dropping the scalding hot plates on them as they flailed underfoot, parents oblivious to their child’s existence. I didn’t do it though, promise.

Once you pop, you just can’t stop!

Does it make you feel special to have unprotected sex? When child number four slips out of your Channel Tunnel-sized vagina, do you cackle with glee at the thought of all the new assistance you’re going to receive? A bigger house (paid for in full of course), bills paid, free money to spend on anything you want; these are just some of the many benefits to being poor and having a child. It is economically insane for someone in this situation to even consider working – every single penny they make would evaporate from their bank account before they could even check the balance.

What about those who can afford to have children?

Kudos to you, for making a sensible choice. That’s what it is at the end of the day, most of the time; a choice. Getting yourself knocked up may be an accident, but after that there are options. Having a child is no one’s right, neither does it make you better, or complete, or any variation of pariah you love to dress yourself in. Taking a year off work to look after your child is a healthy and responsible thing to do (why have children if you aren’t going to spend time with them?) but there is a cost to this, and it is a fair one. Being absent for long periods of time from your job, for any reason, will inevitably slow down your progression, your wage growth and honestly, your likeability at work. No one wants to be constantly picking up your slack. The entitlement seen from so many parents that their life should be exactly the same as before they decided to create something completely dependant on them is ridiculous – you’ve created an earthquake through every aspect of your life, and nothing will ever be as it was. Maternity/Paternity leave is a wonderful thing, and all parents should have access to at least a year off each, but so should everyone else.

Here’s a crazy idea:

Every person gets one government guaranteed ‘free year’, much the same as maternity leave, but instead of being based on your job, you are entitled to a set wage based on the national average, for one year, for nothing. This time could be used for anything you want – including having a child. Fair. Equal. Why should I not be allowed to have time off from the corporate grind just because I can’t shit out little versions of myself? Hopefully this might help curb the birth rate a bit as well. Perhaps those who do not wish to have children should just have easy access to safe sterilisation methods as well? There are plenty of us who would happily be barren, safe in the knowledge we will never have to change a nappy, or be the person on a plane trying to quiet a screaming baby; everyone hating you.

‘But we need children to look after us when we’re old’

This may have been the case a hundred years ago, it most certainly is not now; for starters, considering the state of the world right now, chances are pretty high we won’t make it to old age anyway; also, surely, if the capitalists are to be believed, it’ll be robots taking care of us, surely? There’s business benefits to an ever expanding lower class from which to extract slave labour, but socially, this is utterly destructive. It creates an interesting gender disparity at the bottom of the pyramid as well – essentially recreating the models of old where brood mother’s spat out fodder for the industrial machine; where males dominate a manual, back-breaking work economy, and females are left to choose between mothering a cabal who can make enough to shield them from having to work, or somehow joining the rest of the slaves, made almost impossible with the prohibitive costs of childcare.

Practice safe sex, kids!

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